As I settled in my chair after completely roasting one of my colleagues, an angelic alter ego in me resented at the course of actions I took, “You use criticism as a weapon of destruction. You absolutely destroyed John, just for the sake of revenge and satisfaction.”
That I don’t want to say anything anymore, that I don’t want to do or feel anything anymore – is that what is called surrendering to the reality or is that a cry for freedom and self realisation?
what comes first? Feelings or thoughts?
It has to be feelings. If it were thoughts, my trained brain in the manner of the world would have deleted them – like a virus on the computer. It has to be the feelings. They are born inside you and become the breath you breathe.
Life promises such beautiful things / shows just beautiful dreams and I always believe in magic and dreams. I may not have that dream /magic as a reality I take to my death bed but honestly why not? And if practicality denies me the dream as a reality for ever – why can’t I have it for a certain time at least?
Was just counting – I have been abused by 3 people in my childhood. And yes of course they had to be neighbours or relatives. (Wonder why I didn’t react. Well. I did once. I told my friend who’s uncle was acting funny with me and within a few days people from that house started thinking of me as a “characterless” girl. Common, I was just a school kid! That hurt. And maybe that’s why the rest of the men had it easy. I was pretending to be strong and unaffected. And they thought I was enjoying it. I am trying to remember if I had ever really begun enjoying it. But it’s like trying to see the red and yellow independently after they have been mixed to make that orange color.
If I treat myself as a case study, I think it’s very interesting to see how a particular personality trait is developed. And it’s not about a broken family. It’s about being surrounded by insecure parents; it’s the naive understanding of how the world works – you speak up and you are misunderstood, mocked and maligned by people, family included. You keep quiet and continue walking proud (trust me, nobody wonders why you are holding your head unusually high) and those who are doing things to you support you by being nice and normal and sometimes even respectful in public and continue having their fun at every opportunity and possibly also getting aroused by your show of pride. And yes, sometimes they start giving out paternal advice too. And while you are trying to keep that head high and proud over the shoulder and in turn saving some serious embarrassment to your family the news of your “availability” spreads to the likes of these uncles and neighbours. Suddenly there are too many of those around you. Some you ignore, some you fight back and you let some tarnish your image (because you don’t give in to their demands). While all this is happening that kid is growing up, still hoping to be a beautiful young lady and a wonderful person. She wants real love, real tenderness and real care. And of course she doesn’t know if she is getting it or not. She has seen insecure and unsure parents and that insecurity and uncertainty has gotten into her too. She believes that the one with that something hanging between his legs is more powerful and in general governs the well-being of a woman, and being quiet and submissive is the only way to have his blessings and goodwill. And yes, that thing between the legs thinks!!!!
When lot of people start settling down in life she is just beginning to gather courage to stare at that wound that never healed. Thankfully she never gave up on love! But maybe she has just made herself difficult to be loved by a man.